The Agony of Victory, the Glory of Defeat

Most movies and stories show the joy of the victor. Though the true heroes are those who still can remember those who couldn't make it, the truer hero is the one who is defeated but still can feel the glory in themselves.
With my knee recovering (again) i can once more step a cleated foot on the grass of my goalie box. Though joy fills my heart and my gloves, a hint of sadness has crept in with them. To be victorious i must stop others in that same pursuit. Yes, i know that its my job to do so. The goalie's objectives is to stop others at their shot at victory. I am not bothered by beating opponents, but putting down my own teammates and my own friends. My goal is to be worthy to be on that starting roster, to be the man at the back anchoring the team through the tempest of the game. But as i seek to gain that spot, i realize that i will have to push my teammates out. There is only room for one in that 18 yard square spot of sod. I know my responsibility to the team: I need to be my best and hopefully that would earn my the right to be the odd colored man on the grass. The team needs the best goalkeeper they can get to be the best team they can be. Even though others are trying their best, the team demands more. Those who can't conquer these demands can not play, some can't even be on the team. The best have to push the others off.
It was hard being part of the squad that decided who stays and who goes. It was harder still calling friend and long time teammates telling them that they didn't make it this year. But i felt the comfort of knowing that it wasn't because of me that they didn't make it. There own actions decided it, all i did was observe. Yet as a player it is my fault others aren't on the squad.
Though few noticed it, i started to feel this agony of victory when i tried out for a NCAA team. Dixie State College had 5 keepers who came down to St. George for Tryouts. Only three would make it. I was a given. One of the keepers was a given to not make it, but there was one with more heart than the rest, and he nearly had the talent to match. His name was Jordan, I'll never forget him. He was a great keeper, but there was three keepers who were better -- though not by much. On the last day of tryouts, Jordan found out that he wasn't going to make it. His dream to play at that level was shattered before it had even started. Many who know their own defeat collapse to wallow in their own self misery. Most give up on the task they already know is impossible for them to achieve. If i was him, i might have walked away then and there. But Jordan didn't. He still played his best. When the last drill of tryouts came, I was about to step on to defend the goal i would be defending through out the entire season, when i felt a tug at my jersey. Jordan looked at me. He was fighting hard to keep in the tears wanting to burst free. He asked if he could step on for one last time. I couldn't deny him and i took off my gloves, knowing that of the both of us i would be the only one to put them on again. In that moment Jordan outplayed all of the other keepers. He poured his heart into each save, and he showed the Glory of Defeat. Just because you are defeated doesn't mean you are conquered. When that whistle blew i noticed that the tears didn't threaten to escape anymore. He had a proud smile on his face. He proved it to himself, it didn't matter if coach didn't agree. I walked home already knowing my victory... and I wept. Because of me, a friend couldn't make the team. He deserved it more than me, he sacrificed more, he gave more. I had to defeat a teammate and a friend. I had to kill a comrade's dream so that mine could live on.
Now that I'm back at UVU i realize that i am forced to do the same thing again. With my jersey number on the roster, there are others who will not be able to be on that field in their own uniform. Though i know that it must be done it does not make it any easier. I have seen the victorious act like they lost the battle, but i have seen those who lost take it with the grace and pride of taking the trophy. Though i know that i will not always be in the winner's circle, I hope to fight on for those who couldn't. The responsibility of being chosen. If i fail, i fail them.

My Angels

My Wife:

MY LOVELY ANGEL
I never knew that through out my life
I had an angel now called my wife
An angel sent to be a guide for me

I’ve felt her hope I felt her love
An angel sent from up above
An angel of perfect beauty

She guided me through doubts and fears
To find her when I’ve grown in years
An angel escort for eternity

Even before we ever met
She helped me to not forget
For this angel I need to live worthy

And now she is with me here
To calm my heart and ease my fear
An angel’s hug just for me

I get to help my angel too
Together we will make it through
To heaven where we’re meant to be

My Son:

MY LITTLE ANGEL
I never knew that when I was young
But I see it now when I see my son
That I had angels right next to me

He talks to them and they understand
And reaches with his little hand
Staring places I can’t see

He brings them to our happy home
They make sure he is not alone
He brings the angels close to me

And when I see his little smile
He’s been an angel all the while
An angel always next to me

Even before he was born
My angel through strife and storm
An angel felt though I could not see

But as I hold him in my hands
Now I finally understand
He always been an angel for me

I’ve always felt his hope and love
To guide me to Him above
So I can have an angel I can see

And now this angel has been born
An angel put in mortal form
To be an angel just for me

Two Years and Counting...

My wonderful wife and i just celebrated our second delightful year as husband and wife. My bestest anniversary present was this poem I wrote:

Keep Track of Your Heart

You have a heart inside of you
That’s why you live and why I do too
I want your heart at its best
In the heat or down at rest
Through a healthy heart more love is drawn
And two things keep a heart’s love strong
One is your love for me
And my love for you for eternity
The other is to never slow
Keep love working and help it grow
Keep track of your heart, keep it strong
And love will guide you where ever you run
Through good times or bad with a good heart
Our love’s bond will be strong and unable to part
Keep track of your heart and love me too
And know that my heart is still growing for you!

As another cutesy present to go along with the poem i got her a heart monitor (get it? lol.). My wife wanted one for her cycling class.

Our anniversary was simple but splendid. Mom babysat Landon who was an angel his first night without his parents. We went to a romantic dinner and a movie and enjoyed deep conversations under the stars.

Two years have built a mountain of love, and we're still building!

Finished books available for review

For anyone interested i have two books that i have finished and would like to have reviewed. Just ask me and i can get you a copy.
The two books are:

Kingslayers -
A modern fantasy novel that takes place on Mongelt. This book deals with a group of elite soldiers during the start of the 2nd Dragon Wars. Kingslayers is the first book in a potential series. Though i would like Kingslayers to be reviewed, i have other books i would like to publish before this.

Twitching -
In in dept guide to the different muscle fibers, and how to train these fibers to acheive the body you want. Twitching is designed to improve the body's athletic performance, and how to sculpt the body you want. It is not just designed for the high performance athlete, it also can help anyone getting started in achieving their fitness goals. Everyone either wants to improve their body, or want to maintain the body they have. This book will help in both. Not only would i like Twitching read, but also put to the test. i hope to get this book published this year, but i don't want to publish this without it being reviewed and tested by as many people as possible.

The latest!!!

I have been waiting for the day that i could add this post. I didn't want to add another post until i got a job, and this weeek, i finally did!!! Better yet, i got my old job at Heritage back as a paraprofessional. I loved that job. When i first got it, just before getting married, i had to create that job from scratch. They saw a need to have a teacher teach the most dangerous kids, and i had to organize how to do it. When the job reopened up, i pounced on it like it was a loose soccer ball! Without even an interview, i got a call that i got the job! I'm so excited to return to Heritage! Especially back to my favorite job.

Also i got another job in february. I am a tracker for troubled youth in an aftercare program called Today's Youth. I have three kids that i visit and help through their program. They live with a proctor parents (like a foster parent but more temporary) and i help with the kids' program. It' s a descent job, and during the summer i plan to keep both jobs. That will give me more than 50 hours a week of work. Once school starts in the fall however, i will probably quite the tracker job, but stay at Heritage while i'm in school.

I have changed my major for the last time -- i know i say that every time, this is the sixth time i've changed it -- I'm now majoring in intigrated studies in psychology and physical education. I expect to graduate in the fall of 2010. Another post will explain the reason for that major.

At the first men's soccer team meeting at UVU the team suprisingly voted me as the team captain. I was shocked that 14 of the 20 players there voted for me to be captain. I don't think i even knew half of them, and the two other captains from last year were also nominated. I've decided not to go glory hunting this year. I have left UVU twice before to go play for other teams(xpress and Dixie) and i'm sick of vain promises and sitting on a bench. I even turned down an offer this year to tryout for the Real reserve squad. I talked to guys who tried out and they were sure that i would have made the team. But i would rather be a captain and start every game, then sit on the bench as a back up. maybe if a chance like that finds me after i am done with school...

Landon is still suprising us! Grandma practiced clapping with Landon and that night we clapped forLandon, and he was like "ok i'll clap now" and he started clapping for us. It was amazing! I often find my mouth starting to hurt from smiling so much. I can just watch my son for hours, and i don't realize it, but he just makes me smile. He's the cutest kid! And he isn't just well behaved when he visits grandma and grandpa, he always acts so cute! Any day now he is going to decide to start walking on his own. We know he can do it, he just likes the support for now. Like knowing dad's hand is holding the seat when the training wheels are taken off. I'm the luckiest guy in the world to get to spend my days with the greatest son and the most loving wife!

Intigrated studies in Psychology and Physical Education

This is my admitance essay i wrote to get into my degree. It explains why i'm choosing it...


FUSION OF BODY AND MIND
Integrated Studies Admission Essay
There has always been a separation of improving the mind, and improving the body. Therapist and counselors have been trained to improve the mind’s conditions, while trainers and coaches improve the body’s. I have worked for nearly 5 years as a counselor and just as long as a coach. I believe there is a link between the two. The conditions of the body affect the mind, while the mind’s state of being can be seen in the body.
For example, problems like obesity, anorexia, and drug abuse. All these problems originate from the mind and are reflected by the body. Though working with just the mind will cause a change in the body, the process is slow for both mind and body. If I pursue the career as a counselor I will work with both and speed up the improvement of each. I would have more tools to work with to improve the people I help. I can use physical activities to improve the mind, and also mental activities to improve the body.
For example with obesity. If I just worked with a patient’s mind to help him control the cravings he will eventually be able to suppress the cravings and lose weight and live healthier. But where are these cravings coming from in the first place? The answer is the body. Just training the mind puts it in conflict with the body, but having the mind and body working together they stay more in harmony with each other, and the change is not as difficult. By working simultaneously with the mind and body, I can help the patient control the cravings from the body, and suppress the cravings with the mind. This dramatically increases the patient’s progress. With most other physical and psychological problems the rate of progress is also increased by working both mind and body. Through an integrated study of psychology and Physical Education, I can properly study both improving mind and body.
I also plan to coach for the rest of my life. Many athletes will say that their sport is 90% mental and only 10% physical. Yet most coaches only work with the physical side of the game. That means they’re missing most of the game. With an integrated studies degree in both physical and mental improvement, I can be a better coach. Similar to coaching is a sports psychologist.
I have been a soccer goalkeeper since age five. If at all possible I would love to play professional. One of the best attributes of a goalkeeper is fast reflexes. I have always had the desire to understand the reflexes, but to do so, I have discovered that I need to study both how the mind sends the reflexes and how this signal is affected by muscle movement. I have always wanted to learn how to improve the reflexes. But that requires improving both the mind and body.
I have always seen the fusion and teamwork of the mind and body, just choosing Psychology or Physical Education as a major would be an incomplete degree for me. Fusing the two is the only way to properly improve someone’s life.

Beautiful Day

Today was such a beautiful day! So me and Landon decided to play in the sun for a little! He is getting so big!

Landon is now 9 1/2 months old! He super-crawls everywhere! He's so fast! He loves to play with his toys and could sit and study a toy for such a long toy. He's so observant! He really enjoys water! When we start his bath water, he practically dives into the bath tub! He also got to go swimming with his daddy, uncle and cousins- Michael and Emma, and absolutely loved it! He especially loves to see his cousins and play with them! He loves kids and just smiles and laughs at them. He's seems so determined to play with them. His latest is playing chase with his cousin Emma. At Grandma and Grandpa's house he was chasing her all around the kitchen and giggling so much! We are having so much fun with him :) He also has the talent of letting out these loud fake laughs. It's hilarious! His favorite foods are crackers, bananas, carrots, and whatever we're having for dinner. He'll stand by us when we're eating and open his mouth for some food. He also has 6 teeth fully in, one that has just poked through, and another on its way in. We have also been practicing walking with him. He's really good at walking around holding on to just one of our fingers! We're guessing he'll be walking soon!

He's a little bundle of joy and has a "million-dollar smile," as his Grandpa says. We are excited for new talents he'll pick up along the way!