The Agony of Victory, the Glory of Defeat

Most movies and stories show the joy of the victor. Though the true heroes are those who still can remember those who couldn't make it, the truer hero is the one who is defeated but still can feel the glory in themselves.
With my knee recovering (again) i can once more step a cleated foot on the grass of my goalie box. Though joy fills my heart and my gloves, a hint of sadness has crept in with them. To be victorious i must stop others in that same pursuit. Yes, i know that its my job to do so. The goalie's objectives is to stop others at their shot at victory. I am not bothered by beating opponents, but putting down my own teammates and my own friends. My goal is to be worthy to be on that starting roster, to be the man at the back anchoring the team through the tempest of the game. But as i seek to gain that spot, i realize that i will have to push my teammates out. There is only room for one in that 18 yard square spot of sod. I know my responsibility to the team: I need to be my best and hopefully that would earn my the right to be the odd colored man on the grass. The team needs the best goalkeeper they can get to be the best team they can be. Even though others are trying their best, the team demands more. Those who can't conquer these demands can not play, some can't even be on the team. The best have to push the others off.
It was hard being part of the squad that decided who stays and who goes. It was harder still calling friend and long time teammates telling them that they didn't make it this year. But i felt the comfort of knowing that it wasn't because of me that they didn't make it. There own actions decided it, all i did was observe. Yet as a player it is my fault others aren't on the squad.
Though few noticed it, i started to feel this agony of victory when i tried out for a NCAA team. Dixie State College had 5 keepers who came down to St. George for Tryouts. Only three would make it. I was a given. One of the keepers was a given to not make it, but there was one with more heart than the rest, and he nearly had the talent to match. His name was Jordan, I'll never forget him. He was a great keeper, but there was three keepers who were better -- though not by much. On the last day of tryouts, Jordan found out that he wasn't going to make it. His dream to play at that level was shattered before it had even started. Many who know their own defeat collapse to wallow in their own self misery. Most give up on the task they already know is impossible for them to achieve. If i was him, i might have walked away then and there. But Jordan didn't. He still played his best. When the last drill of tryouts came, I was about to step on to defend the goal i would be defending through out the entire season, when i felt a tug at my jersey. Jordan looked at me. He was fighting hard to keep in the tears wanting to burst free. He asked if he could step on for one last time. I couldn't deny him and i took off my gloves, knowing that of the both of us i would be the only one to put them on again. In that moment Jordan outplayed all of the other keepers. He poured his heart into each save, and he showed the Glory of Defeat. Just because you are defeated doesn't mean you are conquered. When that whistle blew i noticed that the tears didn't threaten to escape anymore. He had a proud smile on his face. He proved it to himself, it didn't matter if coach didn't agree. I walked home already knowing my victory... and I wept. Because of me, a friend couldn't make the team. He deserved it more than me, he sacrificed more, he gave more. I had to defeat a teammate and a friend. I had to kill a comrade's dream so that mine could live on.
Now that I'm back at UVU i realize that i am forced to do the same thing again. With my jersey number on the roster, there are others who will not be able to be on that field in their own uniform. Though i know that it must be done it does not make it any easier. I have seen the victorious act like they lost the battle, but i have seen those who lost take it with the grace and pride of taking the trophy. Though i know that i will not always be in the winner's circle, I hope to fight on for those who couldn't. The responsibility of being chosen. If i fail, i fail them.